Documentary

One of the amazing women I met along my inital battle was Dee Dee Ricks.  She put me in touch with amazing drs that saved my life.  Her documentary is now on HBO.  I think I may have found my new purpose!

Not for me

I participated in another Race for the Cure but had an accident.  Of course wouldn't have been a big deal if the other 'survivor' hadn't tried to assault me & continuously call me names.  So I have decided that the race is not really my venue to make a difference.:(
Looking for a way to make an impact & help other women!

Gearing Up for Round #2??

It's been 2 years since my last treatment.  A lot has happened, we moved to TX & have been very happy...until a week ago.

My dr visits have been pretty standard until a week ago.  My cancer markers went from 18 in April to 86 in October.  This of course alerted the dr to do a PET scan.  It showed 2 spots of my liver & several on bones - near my spine, pelvis & femur. Needless to say my "I don't want to die" prayers have resurfaced. 

Another thing that is frustrating is that I still have not heard from the biopsy scheduler.  In NYC, the biopsy was done the next day.  If this continues, will def have to think about returning to Sloan-Kettering!

Genetic Testing

Since my mother had breast cancer, I wanted to know if I had the breast cancer/ovarian gene & possibly passed it on to the kids. Good news I do not have BrCA1 or BrCA2 genes. Seems our breast cancers are familial but not genetic.

Last Radiation Treatment

This is my last week of radiation. While it wasn't horrible, traveling to the hospital daily got old...fast! It's true that if you make friends with your techs, it's actually nice to see them daily.



I didn't have many side effects through my 5 weeks of treatment. Until I had the bright idea to run 2 miles at the end of week 4. Bad idea! My bra cut into my very sensitive skin & now I have an open wound & cannot wear a bra. So a few tips:

• ask for the cleanser. They don't give it to you unless you visit the radiation nurses.
• same goes for the cooling, hydrating gel pads & super moisturizing gel.
• make your appts for 1st thing in the morning. Afternoons & evenings always have a wait.
• and, finally, stop wearing a bra by week 3 to avoid skin irritation.

On to the next step, Tamoxifen.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is breast cancer awareness month. To help the cause & find a cure, here are a few things you can do:

• Buy Yoplait yogurt with the pink lids. (yes it can be a pain to collect the lids but then you just have to mail them in).
• Click breastcancersite daily to help someone receive a free mammogram & save their life.
• In need of a mani/pedi, purchase Essie's "Yes we can pink!"
• Need a drink? Order Belle Glos Oeil de Perdrix Pinot Noir Blanc 2007 & % of proceeds go to bc research. ps - this is one of the best wines I've had.
• Estee Lauder pink ribbon collection lipsticks.
• Order flowers from the ProFlowers pink collection.
• Send pink ribbon chocolate covered strawberries from Shari's Berries.

Happy Shopping!

1 down, 4 to go

I finished my first week of radiation & I have to say it wasn't bad. The first few days made me very angry b/c they couldn't get the films to line up right so I had to lay there for 1.5 hrs each day. However, now they fixed it & it literally takes 20 minutes. Since my appt is at 7am, I'm able to have a normal day!

HOPE

Of all the forces that can make for a better world, none is so powerful as hope.

With hope, one can think, one can work, one can dream.

If you have hope, you have everything.

~Charles Sawyer

NYC Race for the Cure & Pink Drink Party

On Sunday, 10 of my fab friends & I walked the 5K. It was the perfect Fall day in NYC. My hubby & kiddos cheered me on along the way. The support & love I felt was amazing!



Afterwards bestie hosted a fun soiree...Pink Drinks! Rose Champagne & Pinot Blanc with proceeds going to the Komen Foundation.

Funny things Kids Say

AQ was looking at a catalog yesterday. When he saw a little boy wearing a pirate 'do rag, he pointed & yelled, "Mommy! Mommy!" We were all laughing so hard! I guess I wear the 'do rag more than any other scarf or wig.

Chemo #7

I'm doing really well on Taxol. I'm able to have my life back but def. need a nap by the afternoon. It's nice to spend time with my kids, hubby & friends again.



There are a few different side effects. My eyelashes & eyebrows are slowly disappearing. Not to worry Sephora has great fake lashes. I may continue to wear them even after my lashes grow back. And for my eyebrows...Chanel Perfect Brows & Anastasia brow stencils.



Only 1 treatment left!!

While not the prettiest thing, I now have a medical bracelet. Since my lymph nodes were removed, I can develop lymphodema at any time & must be very careful about not breaking the skin or cutting off circulation. No IV, blood pressure or shots for my right arm.



At least it's from Tiffany's. Thanks bestie!

Pathology Report

I had my drains removed today & received great news. I responded so well to chemo that my 8-10 cm tumor shrunk to 1.5mm. And no cancer was found in my lymph nodes (if only they knew that before they removed them). Yippee! My dr. even hesitated a bit when he started talking about radiation as if maybe I don't need it. He then said, "Well see what the radiation oncologist says." Things seem a little brighter already!

Home Sweet Home

I'm already home. The surgery went well & I'm not in that much pain. Of course when I have to do the arm stretches it is painful but I have percocet.



One more step completed & one step closer to normal life!

Surgery

Tomorrow is the big day. While I'm sad to say good-bye to one of the girls, I'm more afraid of the anesthesia. My friend said, "Pretend he's your bartender & he's giving you a really strong drink."

Bottoms up!



On another note, I've been trying to explain the situation to our oldest. Very hard to do. Basically we've told him mommy's breast is sick & the dr is going to remove it.

He asks, "What about the nipple?"

I respond, "He's going to take that too but I'll get a new one."

Him: "No! No! No! I like that nipple" & starts to cry.

Me: "Ok. Ok. I'll tell the dr. we should keep the nipple & see what he says."

Him: "Ok, mommy. Thank you. I love you."



2 days later I return from my oncologist.

Him: "Mommy did you tell the dr. we have to keep your nipple."

Me: "Yes honey. He said he'll try."

The little guy has an amazing memory!

No Mo' Chemo

I had my last chemo treatment on Tuesday. Words cannot describe the absolute sense of relief that it is over.



I've scheduled my masectomy in Aug. While I plan to do a double masectomy, I have to wait to do the other breast when I have reconstruction. My surgeon is worried that since I had chemo first & my immune system will still be recovering that I may have an increased chance of infection. So I will have to get a prosthetic which I was hoping to avoid. I hate the fact that I will be assymmetrical for 6+ months.



My biggest fear about surgery is going under. I've had surgery before & 2 c-sections but now that I have kids the fear of not waking up scares me. I want to be here to see them grow & discover the world & themselves. I want them to know me. They are so young that if something does go wrong they won't remember my hugs, my kisses, my goodnight routine with them, my laugh and how much I love them.

Adjusting My Sails

I just finished reading Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards. It seemed to put into words some of the things I am feeling - loneliness, heartache, fear and hope. Her message was whatever life gives us, we must accept it (easier said than done) and adjust our sails (making our new life with what we've been dealt). That really is all you can do.



"I whistle a happy tune, and every single time, the happiness in the tune convinces me that I'm not afraid." - The King & I

Tumor Be Gone

My counts were low this week so chemo was postponed for a few days. It was really weird. After weeks of being unable to leave my bed (due to chemo & an awful cold/sinus infection), I felt great the week after my 1st Taxol treatment. I took my youngest to the museum, my oldest to the playground, went to lunch with my hubby & even made it to the trainer. I really believed it was my light at the end of the tunnel. "Not so fast," said the universe. Bottom line IT'S STILL CHEMO!

Anyway a week after feeling great & normal, I suddenly felt weak...unable to get out of bed, winded after climbing the stairs, loosing my balance. Hell I even dropped a plate. The highest temp...103.7. I know that def. warrants a trip to the ER. After my first trip, I never want to return. So basically I take Percocet with Tylenol, the fever goes away & I knock out. Of course when I tell my dr about this she tells me all the things that could have happened, including death b/c basically I don't know what my body is fighting. Long story short the next day the fever is gone & I'm better.

But not well enough for chemo. In any event, my oncologist said my tumor is gone. She feels a little something but she thinks it's just scar tissue. I still have to do my last 3 chemos (totally stinks) but at least I know it worked!

Doing Too Much

I have found that when I start to feel better I start doing everything I normally do. And more because I'm playing catch up.



On Thursday, I started to feel a little better. I took it easy in the morning but by the afternoon I was cleaning, organizing & putting away groceries. All of a sudden I felt weak, like I was going to pass out. I immediately went to the couch. As my 3 yr old kept asking, "What's wrong? Can we open this box now? Where do these vegetables go?" I kept telling him to wait & finally explained that I didn't feel well & needed to rest. That started the WHY questions. It was all so overwhelming for him & me. I desperately needed to rest but as a mother I also needed to calm him & give him answers. After I felt better, I tried to explain. Hoping his little brain understood. That night he woke up at midnight, 1am & 4am, screaming for mommy.



After that, I promised myself I would not 'overdo' it anymore. It wasn't good for him to see my that way. And it wasn't good for me.

Halfway Mark!

I have officially reached the 1/2 way point of my chemo treatments. No more Adriamyocin & Cytoxan for me! While I am so happy to be finished with these drugs, I wish I was completely finished with CHEMO. As I recouped the last 2 weeks, I kept thinking I just don't know how many more of these I can do. It really takes a lot out of me. I know I will dutifully go for the remaining 4 but I really don't want to.



The last recovery was very rough. I had a cold 2 treatments ago but have never fully recovered. The cough that I have hurts...think smoker cough. It gives me a headache when I'm coughing for what feels like an hour. I can't sleep because of my cough. Luckily I take a pill, knock out but only to return to a cough at 2am.



On top of this, I was bitten by something...probably an ant. However with no immunity it was so swollen & painful. Truly amazing how our body works...even the small things we take for granted.

PJ Advice

I have met some amazing women during my cancer journey. All strong, positive women who have so much knowledge to share about the disease & tips to help the patient deal.



I recently met a woman who suggested I go to Lord & Taylor & buy men's large pajama tops. I agreed & said, "oh to be comfortable during this process." She said, "No because when you come home after a masectomy you have drains coming out of your armpits. You can't move your arms & it is the only top that will fit you." I wish someone would collect all this practical advice & put it in a book. It's like pregnancy/childbirth, if you don't know you just don't ask.

Hair Loss

So I knew my hair was going to fall out. Not a big deal in the scheme of things. I bought a wig, 'do rags, hats & expensive silk scarves. The thing I wear the most is my do rag. It stays on my head & I forget I have it....almost like hair.


Once I completed my 8 rounds of chemo, I returned to work.  I was very nervous as it was my 1st coming out of my chemo cocoon.  I found the right outfit & began to deliberate about my bald head.  My 'do rag was way too casual...mostly for laying around the house.  My wig was way too hot.  I opted for my beautiful new Hermes scarf.  I tied it just so & used wig tape to keep it in place.

As I entered the meeting, hugs all around.  It was great to be back.  A few times I had to adjust the scarf when it was pulled during a long embrace.  The meeting went well & I hugged everyone to leave.  Walking out, I thought "That went great! "  I pulled off a sophisticated bald return to the world.  About that time, I caught a glimpse of myself in a window.  OH MY G-D! Exposed bald head on one side.  The scarf was completely askew.  Well so much for sophistication!

Reminder from Life - Don't take yourself too seriously...EVER!

I get by with a little help from my friends...

When your friends hear the news, they all want to help. "I'll take the kids"...have you met my boys? "I'll sit with you at chemo"...uhh sometimes I want to vomit & have to wait like 3 hours. "I'll bring dinner"...PERFECT. If I'm feeling up to visitors, I'll see you. If not, the family gets yummy homecooked food. My husband would probably feed the kids mac & cheese or pizza every night.



We have had the most amazing dinners. My friends ROCK!

April Update

I've gone through 2 chemo rounds now. I've been tired, admitted to the ER & had to stay away from my kids due to illness. All in all this SUCKS! No other way to describe it.



Yesterday I shaved my head. I still had hair but strands were falling out. I totally look like GI Jane. Now if only my body looked like Demi. ;)

The News

I went for an ultrasound with my radiologist. I thought it was going to be routine. I had felt a lump but thought it was a cyst as it had been in the past. After seeing the images on ultrasound, she did a mammogram. Then scheduled me for an MRI & core biopsy. Her assumptions were confirmed....CANCER.

She called my breast surgeon & had me rush down to see her. She felt my breast & measured it. 7cm by 7cm. Too large to just operate. Her thought is to start chemo first & then operate to ensure it is all taken out. But not just lumpectomy. A masectomy. I'm loosing my breast. Granted I have always hated my breasts. In my teens, I had DD boobs. So embarrassing. In my 20s, down to C. Perfection. Then pregnancy & now I'm going to loose them.

In all honesty, I'm scared. Scared that I'll look ridiculous with no hair & one boob. Scared that my kids will see me suffer. Scared that I won't be able to be there for my children when they need me the most. I know I am not the only one who has gone through this but I'm my children's only MOMMY who has to go through this.

I think it would have been easier to do this if my children were older. But they are babies & I want them to know I'm here for them. All I keep saying is PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE!

Lemons to Lemonade

I've been diagnosed with CANCER. I've been trying to find the lesson or positives out of this obviously horrific detail in my life. Here's my lemonade list:

1. This may bring my family closer together.
2. With chemo, I won't have to get waxed or cut my hair.
3. The fabulous new scarves I'll get.
4. My reconstructed breasts will be forever perky.
5. My hair may actually look better when the treatments are over.
6. I'll start eating better.
7. Stop trying to be Supermom & let other people help.

I'll keep thinking because there have to be more RIGHT?

Radioactive Adventures

I had a PET/CT scan & a bone scan this week. I have to say I learned a lot.



I had to be injected with radioactive glucose so it would show up on the PET scan. They bring it out...think small lead lunchbox. They remove it & the syringe is still enclosed in a lead tube. I had to sit for an hour & drink some tea drink. I actually fell asleep. Then you get the scan done. Pretty easy you just have to lay still for 30 minutes. After a while I started to get sore & needed to move but I didn't.



On the way home in a cab, we saw lots of police cars. They seemed to be running a drill or something...must have been 20 of them. As we continued our drive, we get pulled over by one of the police cars. His radioactive device was beeping like crazy & guess why...it was me. I was so radioactive that I set off his alarm (see Homeland Security is working). He kept following the signal & finally found me in my cab. My poor cab driver was so scared to be pulled over. Sorry!

At least these tests weren't too bad & I have a funny story to tell!

Finding the Perfect Oncologist & Surgeon

This search is very much like dating. You put the word out to the people who need to know & most likely they have a great dr. for you to see. Most of my dr. recs come from friends who are doctors or who have gone through breast cancer. And it seems all the amazing doctors are at Sloan Kettering. Hopefully I'll get an appt. early next week & we can start treatment.

Sharing the News

How do you tell people you have cancer? Of course with family & best friends you just say it. But what about acquaitances? I mean you're not really close but you will probably run into them at school drop off or the playground & you'll be bald. Kinda hard to hide! And what about your good friends who live in another country? An email about something so important? A phone call as they're at work or on their weekend. My approach...those that need to know or who see me will know. Perhaps this whole awful experience will pass & it will be something I say in passing.

History

I never thought this would happen to me. My mother got breast cancer at 53 (supposedly post-menopausal -which means non-genetic). She had a masectomy, lymph nodes removed, radiation, chemo & stem cell transplant. It was horrific! I wasn't there for the day to day since I live so far away but when I was there. I wanted to cry, scream & run away.

She fought the cancer & was in remission for 3 years. That's 8 years total...cancer free. (Have to be 5 years without cancer before you're considered in remission). Then they found brain tumors. Her cancer metastized to her brain. She of course had them removed. Now her short-term memory is shot but she's still with us. She's had a lot of other problems...infections, seizures, etc.

Bottom line...I hate my genes. Hopefully we caught my cancer early enough that I don't have to go through everything she did.